Tuesday, March 31, 2009

What if I stumble?

I’ll start this post off with an incredibly honest statement of fact.

I live my entire life in fear.

You read correctly. I, a child of the King of Kings, live my life in fear. Oh, don’t get me wrong, the Lord is my rock and my salvation. I believe the Lord when he tells me I have nothing to be afraid of. Well, I try to believe anyway. But if I were to be completely honest with myself, I would have to admit that I live my life in fear.

So, this begs the question, what am I afraid of?

I wish it were something simple. I wish I could say that I was afraid of heights or spiders. You know, those are things that are easy to be afraid of.

John Wesley is credited with reviving and/or authoring what we call the Doctrine of Assurance. To put it simply, Wesley believed that we could be absolutely assured of our salvation. I do feel assured that my salvation has been found in God. I’m not afraid of that.

I am crippled by the fear that I’m not good enough.

I realize that the reality of the situation is that none of us can ever be good enough to reach God. I understand that. But, because of my denominational background, I’m stricken with this absolute need to be perfect. The entire belief system of my Church is that of “holiness unto the Lord. “ I’ve been taught for years that holiness is perfection and perfection is holiness. We’d have debates in theology classes about whether or not it is possible for a person to not sin.

Well, if it’s possible to not sin, then why do I find myself doing it? I’m terrified of what happens when I slip up. I’m terrified that when I mess up, it’s going to be the last time.

What happens if I stumble? What happens when I fall?

I’m crippled by the fear of the knowledge that I am not good enough.

I find myself asking, will the love continue, when my walk becomes a crawl? What if I stumble; and what if I fall?